got to read that!
WICCA:
Intoxicated By Christian Blood!
Update: MP3 Audio Advice for Hunting Wiccans! Click Here
Freehold, Iowa - In an act that can only be described as pure evil, a rabid young Wiccan girl wearing a black cape burst into the Landover Baptist 11 a.m. Sunday morning church service and flung the bloody carcass of a headless black cat across 297 pews. Pastor Deacon Fred ducked just in time as the abomination splashed into the baptismal pool, spattering chunks of animal flesh and water over the white robes of a horrified Christian Seniors Choir visiting from Des Moines. Pushing a frenzied crowd of screaming parishioners aside, Church ushers acted quickly and detained the Devil's harlot for questioning in the sanctuary basement before taking her to the furnace room.
The following Tuesday, at a meeting of concerned Deacons, Pastor Deacon Fred explained, “Wicca, is just a fancy word that insecure unsaved teenagers who hate their parents use to describe their little club.” Landover Baptist has thousands of Christian moles placed in covens, chat rooms, and schools all across America. “They feed us some pretty gruesome stuff about Wiccans,”said Pastor Deacon Fred. "From what we can gather, like Jewish people, Wiccans kidnap Christian children and drink their blood to seal their commitment to Satan." Deacon Fred continued, "My guess is that the little Devil worshipper who slipped into our Sunday Morning service last week, did so because she got some inside information about what we were going to release on our website this month. She was nervous and very upset that the rest of the world would soon learn the truth about her silly cult.”
It was announced after the meeting that Landover parishioners and Baptist police officers in Freehold, Iowa will be required to undergo extensive training in order to spot the latest breed of unsaved trash, the Wiccan, or, as the True Christian® founding fathers of America called them, Witches. Some of that training information, as planned, is available in condensed form below. Please keep in mind, that if you see anyone that fits ANY of the descriptions you are about to read, anywhere on your local church property, call the police IMMEDIATELY! These sorts of people do not visit churches because they are looking for salvation. They are there to harass True Christians®, cast spells, throw hexes, and to commit bizarre hate crimes against the true body of Christ (Baptists), their sworn enemy. We also believe that True Wiccans are receiving orders directly from the Vatican, which makes the situation even more dangerous.
Spotting Wiccans:
This information could save a Christian life!
Appearance:
Wiccans are generally overweight and of pale complexion. If they are not pale, they use powder or makeup (even the boys!) to generate the illusion of paleness or death. Wiccans are given to the piercing of skin as a sign of submission to their master, Satan. Look for multiple piercing and piercing in peculiar places like the nose, cheeks, eyebrows, lips, fingertips, chin, forehead, tongue, and on the shocking devil’s tip of the ear! Some Wiccans pierce their genitals as well. If you happen to peek over into the stall next to you and see a urination stream spraying in three directions (to mock the Trinity), it is likely the person is a Wiccan who just had the tip of his penis carefully pierced by his coven leader. (NOTE: Most coven leaders are either Catholic priests or tattoo parlor owners)
Wiccans are under a contract with Satan to wear black. It is one of the first things they learn when they are indoctrinated into their cult. You can spot them mostly in leather, lace, black fingernail polish, eye makeup, and lipstick. Some Wiccans even wear black underwear! But since you are a Christian, you won’t have to see that unless you capture one.
It is a well-known fact that Wiccans only bathe once a month, as such; they have a distinctively unpleasant odor they try to hide by wearing perfumes like patchouli or wolf’s bane.
Wiccans wear lots of silver jewelry that is never clean. If you see someone wearing rings, amulets, broaches, or necklaces caked with green mold, most likely that person is a Wiccan.
Skills:
Wiccans usually bring home better grades at school than most of their peers. This is not because they are more intelligent, but rather because they cheat by casting spells and hexes on their teachers. Their master (Satan) is also highly adept at moving their pudgy little fingers in the right direction on a test paper. It is also important to note here that if a Wiccan is sober enough to vote, it will always be for a Democrat. The word "democrat" is closely associated with the word, "demon." Most True Christians® commonly refer to Democrats as "Demoncrats" and already keep a firearm handy during election time, so this information might be redundant for some.
Behavior:
Most Wiccans congregate in groups that prey on loners. They are generally a quiet lot because they are constantly thinking about new ways to kidnap True Christian® children and drain their bodies of blood. Wiccans like to purchase knives and swords from master Wiccan craftsmen who camp out at Renaissance Festivals (Renaissance Festivals are run by the Catholic Church - LBC Creation Science Vatican Study, 1983, pg 114-127). It's a preference of blade over gun because a good part of their satanic ritual includes a precise cutting of Christian flesh into bite-size Jesus steaks that are oftentimes smoked and cured into what Wiccans jokingly call, "Jesus Jerky." These fat little demons get a real hellish kick out of sitting around their school lunch table, nibbling on Christian flesh while classmates look on unaware.
Wiccans are also known to tear out pages from the Bible (especially pages that have red writing on them). They use them to roll marijuana cigarettes into something they refer to as "a joint."
The Wiccan Bond To Satan:
Most Wiccans will tell you that they don't believe in Satan. Ha! True Christians® know you don't have to believe in Satan to follow him. The the truth is that anyone who is not following Jesus, is following Satan whether they believe in him or not. What many young Wiccans don't know is that, like the Mormon Church, the higher ups (Wiccans refer to them as "Elite Warlocks, Blood Guards, and Litch Kings") keep their flock in the dark about the real Satanic Wiccan agenda. You'd think that by drinking all that Christian blood they would know something was amiss! Sadly, most Wiccans have been placed under a trance by their coven leaders and it's only when they reach a certain level in their training that the trance is lifted, and by then it is way too late for any hope!.
Related Articles:
· Zero Tolerance for Wicca!
· What Causes a Wiccan?
· Wiccans Found Dead in Dumpster
· Halloween Tips for Holyweeners
· Our Interactive Hell House
· Holy Ghost Halloween Costumes!
· Suffer Not a Witch to Live!
· Scooby Doo and the Occult
· Organize a Book Burning!
· The Blair Witch Project Review
· If Your Child Was Born on 666
· Holy Ghost Haunts Old Mansion!
· Can Demons Posses Animals?
· Even Chickens Can Get Demons!
· Vegans: Modern Day Witches!
· Halloween Kiddy Sermon
· True Christian™ Halloween Masks
· Harry Potter and the Occult
· Audio Sermons on Halloween If you've read up to this point, you should have enough information to help you spot a Wiccan. We hope you find the details provided here, useful. We've done all of this, free of charge. If you'd like to continue your education and learn how to stalk, hunt, and trap live Wiccans, we suggest you purchase a copy of Pastor Deacon Fred’s new book: Wicca: Intoxicated By Christian Blood - now available at your local Bible bookstore ($49.99. Autographed first edition hardcover - $129.99). The information placed on this website is a high level summary from chapter one of Pastor's book
Intoxicated By Christian Blood!
Update: MP3 Audio Advice for Hunting Wiccans! Click Here
Freehold, Iowa - In an act that can only be described as pure evil, a rabid young Wiccan girl wearing a black cape burst into the Landover Baptist 11 a.m. Sunday morning church service and flung the bloody carcass of a headless black cat across 297 pews. Pastor Deacon Fred ducked just in time as the abomination splashed into the baptismal pool, spattering chunks of animal flesh and water over the white robes of a horrified Christian Seniors Choir visiting from Des Moines. Pushing a frenzied crowd of screaming parishioners aside, Church ushers acted quickly and detained the Devil's harlot for questioning in the sanctuary basement before taking her to the furnace room.
The following Tuesday, at a meeting of concerned Deacons, Pastor Deacon Fred explained, “Wicca, is just a fancy word that insecure unsaved teenagers who hate their parents use to describe their little club.” Landover Baptist has thousands of Christian moles placed in covens, chat rooms, and schools all across America. “They feed us some pretty gruesome stuff about Wiccans,”said Pastor Deacon Fred. "From what we can gather, like Jewish people, Wiccans kidnap Christian children and drink their blood to seal their commitment to Satan." Deacon Fred continued, "My guess is that the little Devil worshipper who slipped into our Sunday Morning service last week, did so because she got some inside information about what we were going to release on our website this month. She was nervous and very upset that the rest of the world would soon learn the truth about her silly cult.”
It was announced after the meeting that Landover parishioners and Baptist police officers in Freehold, Iowa will be required to undergo extensive training in order to spot the latest breed of unsaved trash, the Wiccan, or, as the True Christian® founding fathers of America called them, Witches. Some of that training information, as planned, is available in condensed form below. Please keep in mind, that if you see anyone that fits ANY of the descriptions you are about to read, anywhere on your local church property, call the police IMMEDIATELY! These sorts of people do not visit churches because they are looking for salvation. They are there to harass True Christians®, cast spells, throw hexes, and to commit bizarre hate crimes against the true body of Christ (Baptists), their sworn enemy. We also believe that True Wiccans are receiving orders directly from the Vatican, which makes the situation even more dangerous.
Spotting Wiccans:
This information could save a Christian life!
Appearance:
Wiccans are generally overweight and of pale complexion. If they are not pale, they use powder or makeup (even the boys!) to generate the illusion of paleness or death. Wiccans are given to the piercing of skin as a sign of submission to their master, Satan. Look for multiple piercing and piercing in peculiar places like the nose, cheeks, eyebrows, lips, fingertips, chin, forehead, tongue, and on the shocking devil’s tip of the ear! Some Wiccans pierce their genitals as well. If you happen to peek over into the stall next to you and see a urination stream spraying in three directions (to mock the Trinity), it is likely the person is a Wiccan who just had the tip of his penis carefully pierced by his coven leader. (NOTE: Most coven leaders are either Catholic priests or tattoo parlor owners)
Wiccans are under a contract with Satan to wear black. It is one of the first things they learn when they are indoctrinated into their cult. You can spot them mostly in leather, lace, black fingernail polish, eye makeup, and lipstick. Some Wiccans even wear black underwear! But since you are a Christian, you won’t have to see that unless you capture one.
It is a well-known fact that Wiccans only bathe once a month, as such; they have a distinctively unpleasant odor they try to hide by wearing perfumes like patchouli or wolf’s bane.
Wiccans wear lots of silver jewelry that is never clean. If you see someone wearing rings, amulets, broaches, or necklaces caked with green mold, most likely that person is a Wiccan.
Skills:
Wiccans usually bring home better grades at school than most of their peers. This is not because they are more intelligent, but rather because they cheat by casting spells and hexes on their teachers. Their master (Satan) is also highly adept at moving their pudgy little fingers in the right direction on a test paper. It is also important to note here that if a Wiccan is sober enough to vote, it will always be for a Democrat. The word "democrat" is closely associated with the word, "demon." Most True Christians® commonly refer to Democrats as "Demoncrats" and already keep a firearm handy during election time, so this information might be redundant for some.
Behavior:
Most Wiccans congregate in groups that prey on loners. They are generally a quiet lot because they are constantly thinking about new ways to kidnap True Christian® children and drain their bodies of blood. Wiccans like to purchase knives and swords from master Wiccan craftsmen who camp out at Renaissance Festivals (Renaissance Festivals are run by the Catholic Church - LBC Creation Science Vatican Study, 1983, pg 114-127). It's a preference of blade over gun because a good part of their satanic ritual includes a precise cutting of Christian flesh into bite-size Jesus steaks that are oftentimes smoked and cured into what Wiccans jokingly call, "Jesus Jerky." These fat little demons get a real hellish kick out of sitting around their school lunch table, nibbling on Christian flesh while classmates look on unaware.
Wiccans are also known to tear out pages from the Bible (especially pages that have red writing on them). They use them to roll marijuana cigarettes into something they refer to as "a joint."
The Wiccan Bond To Satan:
Most Wiccans will tell you that they don't believe in Satan. Ha! True Christians® know you don't have to believe in Satan to follow him. The the truth is that anyone who is not following Jesus, is following Satan whether they believe in him or not. What many young Wiccans don't know is that, like the Mormon Church, the higher ups (Wiccans refer to them as "Elite Warlocks, Blood Guards, and Litch Kings") keep their flock in the dark about the real Satanic Wiccan agenda. You'd think that by drinking all that Christian blood they would know something was amiss! Sadly, most Wiccans have been placed under a trance by their coven leaders and it's only when they reach a certain level in their training that the trance is lifted, and by then it is way too late for any hope!.
Related Articles:
· Zero Tolerance for Wicca!
· What Causes a Wiccan?
· Wiccans Found Dead in Dumpster
· Halloween Tips for Holyweeners
· Our Interactive Hell House
· Holy Ghost Halloween Costumes!
· Suffer Not a Witch to Live!
· Scooby Doo and the Occult
· Organize a Book Burning!
· The Blair Witch Project Review
· If Your Child Was Born on 666
· Holy Ghost Haunts Old Mansion!
· Can Demons Posses Animals?
· Even Chickens Can Get Demons!
· Vegans: Modern Day Witches!
· Halloween Kiddy Sermon
· True Christian™ Halloween Masks
· Harry Potter and the Occult
· Audio Sermons on Halloween If you've read up to this point, you should have enough information to help you spot a Wiccan. We hope you find the details provided here, useful. We've done all of this, free of charge. If you'd like to continue your education and learn how to stalk, hunt, and trap live Wiccans, we suggest you purchase a copy of Pastor Deacon Fred’s new book: Wicca: Intoxicated By Christian Blood - now available at your local Bible bookstore ($49.99. Autographed first edition hardcover - $129.99). The information placed on this website is a high level summary from chapter one of Pastor's book
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Priestess Fuega on -
God Has Zero Tolerance for Wicca!
Ban WICCANS From Your Community NOW! Before They Take Your Children!
The Freehold, Iowa Town Hall voted unanimously this week to enact a zero-tolerance Bible-based ban on Wicca. "Like the hyena and the dog, the Wiccan will mark its territory by urinating or squatting down its MORBIDLY OBESE RUMP and defecating onto the sacred cold ground of any church cemetery near a Burger King™," Pastor Deacon Fred told members of town council. "I tell you this!" he further stated, "You'll know when you stumble upon gooey pile of stinky Wicca dung! There is not enough turpentine in this county to wash their godless poop from the soles of our expensive shoes! It's time we take a stand against these animals, and rid our community of their abhorrent presence once and for all!"
Related Articles:
· Wiccans Lust for Christian Blood!
· What Causes a Wiccan?
· Wiccans Found Dead in Dumpster
· Halloween Tips for Holyweeners
· Our Interactive Hell House
· Holy Ghost Halloween Costumes!
· Suffer Not a Witch to Live!
· Scooby Doo and the Occult
· Organize a Book Burning!
· The Blair Witch Project Review
· If Your Child Was Born on 666
· Holy Ghost Haunts Old Mansion!
· Can Demons Posses Animals?
· Even Chickens Can Get Demons!
· Vegans: Modern Day Witches!
· Halloween Kiddy Sermon
· True Christian™ Halloween Masks
· Harry Potter and the Occult
· Audio Sermons on Halloween
The Landover Center for Occult Research is assisting members of our local Christian community by posting a list of activities associated with Wicca. "If you see anyone engaging in these activities, you have Jesus' permission to fire a warning round of buckshot into the hiney of the nearest gelatinous glob of cellulite sacrilege you see! (but don't aim for Sister Hardwick! She's on God's team!)," Demon Hunter, Pastor Mitch Walker told a crowd of concerned citizens with torches gathered together in the church cemetery for prayer last Tuesday before a fun filled night of Wiccan hunting.
Activities Associated with Wicca:
Please contact your local Christian police officer or Pastor if you witness anything listed below. We ask that you try your best to subdue any godless creatures engaged in such activities until professional help arrives. Members of the community are asked to keep 10 yards of Captain's Rope, a case of duct tape and a loaded shotgun within running distance throughout the entire month October as we declare, "Open Season on Wicca."
1. A Gathering of Pale-Skinned Obese People in Baggy Clothes with Multiple Tattoos and/or Facial Piercings: In addition, a solitary or lonely looking overweight individual who meets the above description should also raise immediate concern!
2. Renaissance Festivals: These fairs or "festivals" are slyly marketed to mainstream sinners, but our Occult experts have found that they are nothing more than Wiccan recruitment centers.
3. Overweight People Climbing Trees: Wiccans practice tree climbing in our region due to the fact that we hold nightly hunting parties where the only way a Wiccan can escape the Lord's wrath is by climbing a tree (which we usually light on fire anyway).
4. Skateboarding with Baggy Pants and Loose Sneakers: Skateboarding is a gateway sin which cunning Wiccan Den Mothers of the Night use to introduce their children to the Occult.
5. Motorcycle Gangs: It is common knowledge that gangs like, "The Hell's Angels," have been getting paid top dollar since the early 1970's to kidnap attractive young ladies who are sold as sex-slaves to Wiccan High Priests.
6. Liberal Political Propaganda Stickers on Automobiles: Liberals like to claim "tolerance," so that even Wiccans are welcomed by the succor of their twisted politics. The truth is, Jesus is not tolerant. And True Christians™ shouldn't be either! Jesus is going to burn people in Hell if they don't believe in Him. If He was tolerant, He'd let everyone into Heaven, which of course - is NOT the case!
7. A Person or Persons Owning an Unusual Number of Felines: Witches never change. They love cats. But did you know that modern Wiccans cook cats with garlic and drink them in a stew? They also sacrifice cats and other animals with padded feet to their Dark Master, Satan. Be on the lookout for folks with too many cats!
8. Role Playing Video Games Like World of Warcraft: Our Christian children have been sharing Jesus with sinners in the World of Warcraft for the last few years! The shocking statistics are that over 75% of people who play role playing video games are Wiccans! Help Jesus save a soul before they get in the game!
9. Overzealousness in Regard to Halloween: The Devil's Birthday is October 31st, and Wiccans prepare for the celebration throughout the entire month of October. They live to server their master, Lucifer, but will lie through their teeth about it, saying they don't even believe in Satan and that he has nothing to do with Wicca. Don't believe a word of this nonsense! As our Creation Scientists are fond of saying, "One doesn't have to believe that human blood is red, to see that it is so!
10. Defecating or Urinating in Public - Especially Near a House of Christian Worship: Wiccans are sneaky, but we've caught up with them! We know how they mark their territory during the month of October. Two years ago in Alabama, a coven of enormously overweight Wiccans managed to poop out a giant pentagram over two square miles in just three days! The church they marked in the center of the Devil's star was smacked down by Satan and went up in flames on Halloween night! Don't let this happen in your community! Report these people to the authorities!
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Permalink Reply by Priestess Fuega on
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to reply to the website: pastor@landoverbaptist.org
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Permalink Reply by Priestess Fuega on
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What Causes a WICCAN?
Eye on the Occult
Through a generously bestowed state funded grant, renowned occult expert, Pastor Mitch Walker, at the request of Pastor Deacon Fred, was able to devote countless hours (he missed dinner twice!) researching the latest anti-Christian fad to invade small-town America. The fad is called, WICCA. "When it all comes down to it," Pastor Mitch concludes, "WICCA is really just a fancy secret way for out of control, unloved, outcast, ugly fat children to call themselves, Wicked."
Through a stroke of God's immeasurable grace, Pastor Walker was able to work with live subjects obtained in the woods outside Rev. Wilkins' farm earlier this year. His hours alone with these pudgy pale creatures of the night in the cold basement of Landover Baptist's Creation Science Laboratory culminated in the first fully authorized and definitive chart tracing the sinister and depraved roots of the WICCAN cult.
The Landover Baptist Board of Deacons notarized the above chart within seconds after viewing it. It will be presented to Landover Baptist children as part of this year's October Sunday School curriculum. It is important to carefully indoctrinate Christian children at an early age so they are able to detect any habits or behaviors that could lead them to become Wickedian. "We're keeping our children on the straight and narrow," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "It is important they know that all exit ramps lead to Satan when you get off the Lord's highway."
Related Articles:
· Zero Tolerance for Wicca!
· Wiccans Love Christian Blood!
· Wiccans Found Dead in Dumpster
· Halloween Tips for Holyweeners
· Our Interactive Hell House
· Holy Ghost Halloween Costumes!
· Suffer Not a Witch to Live!
· Scooby Doo and the Occult
· Organize a Book Burning!
· The Blair Witch Project Review
· If Your Child Was Born on 666
· Holy Ghost Haunts Old Mansion!
· Can Demons Posses Animals?
· Even Chickens Can Get Demons!
· Vegans: Modern Day Witches!
If you are a saved, dipped in the blood of Jesus, True Christian™ educator, please feel free to click on the official chart above to download a larger, printable file. You are welcome to use this authoritative graphic in your Sunday School class presentations, after we receive your love gift of $150.00 or more. The money received will assist us by funding our continued research into the depraved cult of WICCA.
For even more detailed information on WICCA and their shocking beliefs, click here.
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Permalink Reply by Tall Paul on -
WTF!!! Normally I have some comedic and witty response... but all I can think of is... WTF!!!! Can someone actually have written that and believed it cause if so... WTF! Even a witch who does practice darker ways would have more dignity than to shit a pentagram.
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Permalink Reply by Priestess Fuega on
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Believe me, everyone that was in the chat yesterday and visited the website where it's written, we were all in shock!
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0702/wiccans.html
it is the website where we found all this.
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Permalink Reply by Priestess Fuega on
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a tipycal wiccan would look like this
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Permalink Reply by Zara on
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ROTFLMAO it can't be taken seriously... even def leppard is not written correctly
pokemon lmao... POKEMON!!! attack all the pokemon fans... right now!!!! we will all die!!!
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i think i'll be safe... i really don't look like this weirdo
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Permalink Reply by Cannwyll on
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My dearest Fuega,
Here's some good news for you. I've checked the references of the source website and I found this.
According to wikipedia:
"The Landover Baptist Church is a web site that serves as the home of a fictional[1] Baptist church based in the fictional town of Freehold, Iowa. The Landover Baptist site and its associated Landoverbaptist.net forum are a parody of fundamentalist Christianity and the Religious Right in the USA, and of Westboro Baptist Church in particular."
And according to Landover Baptist Terms of Service:
"The Landover Baptist Church is a complete work of fiction. It is a satire/parody. When you use landoverbaptist.org and/or landoverbaptist.com you are agreeing and consenting to these terms and conditions of use which we, at our sole discretion, may change in any way at any time. "
So this is all fiction.
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Permalink Reply by Priestess Fuega on
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Permalink Reply by AngelMoonLightning on -
OH
MY
GOODNESS I would have never have believed that as a child. That's ridiculous. Whoever came up with all of that has one HELL of an imaginationg. That's just too bizzare. *Covering eyes and shaking my head*
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Permalink Reply by Raven on -
From the same site..
Kids! Accept Jesus Christ as Your Lord and Savior and Get a Free PlayStation 3!
Hey kids! If your Mom and Dad can't get you a PlayStation 3 for Christmas, you can still get one FOR FREE! Have you ever heard of Jesus Christ? Well, He's heard of you! And He wants you to have all the cool toys your parents are too cheap to buy! In fact, the Lord Jesus is very upset with your parents that they won't give you all the latest stuff that every kid in America deserves! And Jesus has got your back, because He is your homeboy! If you've never heard of Jesus, He is an invisible cloud-dwelling deity (infinite lives!) who loves you very much and wants nothing more than to give you a free PlayStation 3!
We here at Landover Baptist Church work full-time as servants of Jesus Christ, and He's told us about you and your predicament. He's also given us special instructions on how He wants us to deliver a new PlayStation 3 to your house. It's as easy as 1-2-3! Understand, Jesus cares WAY more about you than your parents EVER will! They will never love you as much as Jesus loves you! Always remember that. If you hate your parents because they can't get you a PlayStation 3 for Christmas, He completely understands! He is totally down with that! In fact, lucky for you, in order to follow Him, you are actually required to hate your parents!
"If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother...he cannot be my disciple." - The Lord Jesus Christ (Luke 14:26)
Pretty cool, huh? So, if you hate your parents, you are already halfway to becoming a True Christian™! Congratulations!
They even upgraded from PS2 to PS3..
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