I am not very good at talking about myself and having never rescued a princess or slain a dragon anything I do say always tends to sound incredibly boring. I have always been drawn and fascinated by the occult ever since, well, before I can even remember. Magic and weird occurrences have always just been *there*. I once cast a spell to stop the rain and I woke up to the aftermath of a rather bad storm. I probably must add that I was about 10 and had no idea muttering a few words I had rewritten from a magazine on Halloween would result in that. Nobody else in my family is 'magic' and probably think I'm quite possibly a loon which is partly why I have found myself on this site. I have read a lot of books on Witchcraft/Wicca and just the occult in general (although I feel very drawn to the 'Old Ways') over the years, and I feel that I've reached a point where I need to start putting what I've read into action if I plan to feel this void I always seem to feel. I've never considered myself to be spiritual or religious and would often wonder at why people that went to church or believed in 'God', yet I just can't escape the feeling of there being *something more*. I feel like I should be living how God, Deity, The Universe, whatever you may call it, intended us to be. You know, how bee's move the pollen to keep the flowers reproducing and they just do it, as if it is programmed into them etc etc, I feel that humans have a place on the earth, a job to do, if you will, and I feel Witchcraft is the best route to achieving this, for me.
Which brings me back to why I'm here. As I said I read a lot so I'm familiar with authors such as Gerald Gardner, Doreen Valiente, Raymond Buckland, Scott Cunningham and so on... I also must add that although I am knowledgable of the principles and ritual basics I have never actively participated in a ritual myself. I have all the tools (plus an obsession with wands which I've had since, again, before I can remember) but I always find an excuse on why I can't cast a circle. Whether it be 'it won't work' 'what's the point' 'is there really a god, I'd just be talking to myself' (the usual doubts) there is always something. I have decided this year, that regardless of my doubts I would like to follow the Wheel of the Year, starting at Imbolc, learning and participating in each sabbat as they come and actually start to 'live like a witch', so to speak. My aim is to self dedicate in, approx, a years time. So around next Imbolc. But I'm in no rush, I thought I'd just take things as they come. As much as I love to read, and just love books in general, I am very much a visual person and would really like to get to know other witches and just pagans in general, hopefully locally, I live in London UK, and maybe get to actually see how the magical/pagan community (sorry I don't not know if there is a term for this) really is. To my knowledge I don't think I have ever met a 'real' witch or pagan, and if I have which, is most likely now that I think about it, Obviously I was oblivious. I have so many questions and I think at some point I am going to need some human help and honestly I think I would like some. When I read about coven work part of me longs to join in, even though I am a very private person and feel religion and lifestyle is a personal thing to each individual and very much enjoy being solitary in my studies. I find doing things by myself really allows me to let my guard down and involve myself entirely.
So... that's me. Or at least, some of me. I actually ended up writing a lot more than I planned. I wish to thank those of you that take the time to read through my mini essay. I have a couple of quick questions that I would like to ask but don't feel as if you have to answer them if you would rather not.
1) I am unable, due to living conditions, to perform a full esbat ritual this coming full moon but I would like to do something to acknowledge it. I know, in some traditions, that the moon is associated with The Goddess. I am not sure how I feel about deity just yet so I don't want to focus too much on Her or The God but I would like to celebrate the moon and its cycle and the phase in general. I would love to hear any ideas and tips on what people here do to celebrate esbats without performing the full works.
2) Fantastic candles and where to buy them? Anyone know of any reputable sites for decent candles, preferable solid colours. I hear beeswax is best but I find coloured taper ones hard to find. I like simple candles, nothing in jars (unless scented, and for decoration) as I like the idea of doing my own work or inscribing on them if need be. I like that Witchcraft requires to put your own touch into everything. It makes it part of you. I used to sleep with my favourite things and carry them around with me as a child, now I read of people doing this with crystals, tarot cards and more!! I wonder if it really is something in our DNA to do these things naturally.
3) Meditation: possibly a silly question but how do I know when I'm doing it? Do I go into a trace, blank mind, will I be conscious of what is around me? When I attempt it I feel like I'm just sitting there thinking or visualising, which I can do anywhere. I have just not found a way to click with it yet. And it seems to be such an important skill to have if one wishes to attune and clear the mind and I am eager to learn. What does it feel like?
I shall now bring this post to a close, I don't wish to take up too much of anybody's time and again, thanks to all of you that are reading, or will be reading once I hit 'add'.
Blessed Be and I wish you a wonderful morning/afternoon or evening, wherever you may be!